There’s no shame in waking up and realising one day that you’re into a guy who doesn’t return your feelings.
Maybe he’s already your friend. Maybe you go to parties together. Maybe you’ve already flirted a lot but now he’s told you he doesn’t see you in a romantic way.
Unrequited love has inspired many a sonnet, a daring gesture, and occasionally an inappropriate text message.
But while it’s totally normal to feel longing for someone you can’t have, there’s no need for you to indulge in this pain. It can be cured, if you take the right medicine.
The worst thing you can do now is what most people do: spend weeks and months just hoping they’ll suddenly discover their feelings of untapped love and realise what they’re missing.
So, if you want to know how to stop obsessing over a guy, here is the foolproof plan to begin your recovery:
If You Want To Move On, Stop Hanging Around…
So…you’ve got the message that it isn’t going to happen between the two of you…
Except, does that mean forever? Or just for now?
It’s at this point in the battle of how to get over someone you like, your brain will betray you.
Logically, you will accept it can’t work. But emotionally, you’ll think “maybe he just doesn’t know how he feels yet. Let’s just wait and see how this pans out. He could always change his mind.”
You’ll want to stay around in close proximity to him. You’ll attend the same parties. Drop by at the same work events. You’ll want to see who he’s dating, what he’s up to. You may even want to give him a phone call or text to chat “just as friends”.
This is where you must remove the temptation.
Trying to win him over this point is just slowing you down. It’s only prodding the wound. If you want to move on, you need to move away (from the guy that is, not from your town).
As long as you keep going to parties, movies, social gatherings, or having phone calls with someone you still want to be with, you’ll never be able to separate from your romantic feelings.
In fact, the more you try to stay friends now, the more you’ll likely be tempted to idealize everything he does, exaggerating the good facets of his character and ignoring the bad. Only taking yourself away from the situation will give you room to explore other options and get you sober after being drunk on this guy.
So for your own sake: GIVE YOURSELF THE SPACE YOU NEED. It’s the absolute essential to getting over a guy, and without this step anything else you do will only be a temporary band-aid.
(If you have to see him every day at work…make it the minimum contact necessary. Be professional, be courteous, but refrain from whatever flirty banter or private emails you may have had before).
Next…use these two essential steps
The initial formula for how to get over a guy you love has two parts:
- Giving yourself time
- Feeding your soul with new sources of joy and fulfilment
When we obsess over someone, it’s because we’ve learnt to associate all our pleasure and happiness with them, and we’ve forgotten about all the other sources of nourishment for our soul.
Well, now it’s time to nourish your soul with something new. Start a practice FROM TODAY of the following things:
- Working on your physical health
- Feeding your interests and curiosities
- Getting deep into learning a favourite skill
- Connecting with your closest people
- Making time to meet NEW people
All of these will give you a renewed sense of strength and passion for life outside of this guy. You’ll be feeling great as you train and discover new parts of yourself that make you grow rather of shut down as a result of losing this person from your life.
Finally…don’t repeat the same mistake again
Now you’ve begun healing, the crucial step is to NOT get stuck in the same position again.
So if you find yourself once again falling for a guy who’s your friend, ask yourself:
– Is he showing romantic interest, or just enjoying attention?
– Has he shown signs of truly wanting to be with only you? Has he made any physical moves, or is he just acting playfully? Is he asking you on actual dates, or is it just hanging out as friends (if in doubt, ask early on!)?
– Are you actually into him, or are you idealizing parts of him you don’t really know yet?
If you can answer these questions honestly, you’ll start to be able to prevent yourself over-investing in the wrong guy in the future (which will save you a world of pain in the first place), and you’ll begin to naturally gravitate towards the right guys who show you the affection you deserve.
Remember; you should never have to fight just to be “enough” for a guy. If he isn’t sure he’s into you, then it’s no place to begin a relationship from. Save your energy for the guy who will move mountains to keep you and you’ll never go wrong.